Why are we still single?

I, like many other teens and young adults all across the world, have gone on many first (and sometimes second) dates. Although I do enjoy meeting and getting to know these new people, each time the conversation eventually stops. Regardless of which one of us stopped responding, one thing is true: during the short duration in which we talked, one of us realized that we’re not interested in the other person.

Even though people my age regularly complain and mope about being lonely and seek out a significant other, many of us struggle. Romantic love in the modern era is extremely complicated. In fact, genuine romantic love is hard to find because we have many options for potential partners and are too independent to give in to settling.

There are just too many options for us to settle.

With the Internet came Tinder, Bumble, and other similar dating apps. The good news about this is that they expanded our dating options greatly. The bad news is that they expanded our dating options too greatly. We are pickier when there are more options, because we want the best we possibly can, and this applies to potential partners as well. For our parents and generations previous to them, people had fewer potential partners from which to choose. This meant that they married a person based on their perceived niceness and proximity of location. Even if a couple wasn’t in love when the two first got married, they slowly developed their relationship over time to build companionship. We, on the other hand, know that we can easily move on to seeing another person if someone doesn’t impress us. We expect the potential (or current) partner to plan exciting and fun dates, at least at first to win us over. If they don’t, we are dissatisfied and lose interest quickly.

At the same time, if the person gives too much effort, the same dissatisfaction and lost of interest results. Too much eagerness is perceived as desperation, as if the person is only interested in you because he or she is too lonely, and you were conveniently at the right place at the right time. Steven Pinker advises that you play hard-to-get while making yourself available and attractive by finding the balance between these two extremes.

We are raised to be strong, independent individuals.

In the 1930s and 1940s—and even a few decades after that—women were expected to be socially and economically dependent on men. Their dependency on their father was transferred to their husband once they got married. While it is not always made clear, generally speaking, men were also dependent on women who, in turn, were responsible for domestic chores and raising the children. With women’s rights having grown to be more (but not yet completely) equal to men’s, the expectations of relationships have changed. No longer are responsibilities split based upon gender. While this is a feat for gender equality, as similar career, home, and parenting expectations now apply for both men and women, it makes finding genuine love even more difficult.

People who fail at finding romantic love eventually may settle down regardless. Being single means being lonely, feeling discouraged to have children (due to economic strains or social stigma), and continuing the tiring, endless cycle of meeting new people. To overcome these problems of being single, people might desire a companionate relationship with a partner to whom they do not have an emotional attachment. To achieve companionate love, the couple may decide to have children together. A research manipulating human behaviors using virtual robots says that love is an evolutionary tactic that originates from our ancestors’ instinct to protect their vulnerable children to increase their survival chances. This explains why the dependency that couples in the previous generations had encouraged companionate love, in which the husband’s and wife’s love grew out of time, family, and commitment to one another for stability purposes. With our generation encouraging us to be independent and think of ourselves as individuals before a person in a relationship for the most part, however, companionate love is less likely. Even if it is established, the strength of companionate love will most likely be less than what previous generations have achieved.

Despite the plethora of potential partner options thanks to the power of the Internet and the emphasis of independence, finding romantic love isn’t impossible. These just make it more difficult. But it does make me wonder: What about the next generation? Will they face the same challenges? Will they face more challenges in finding love?